If only you knew the truth

lost_nobody @ 2006-11-04T22:14:00

2006-11-05T05:14:28Z

Family,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EACH AND EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMNED ONE OF YOU?!

I invite a friend to stay the night. I tell you the night before. You get all butthurt about it. I say nothing and really brush it off. I go to work, I come home and mother's home. Alright, that's cool. I missed talked to her anyways, so not a real problem there. I understand that there's a whole issue considering she eats a lot and is inconsiderate about money sometimes, but she's still my mother and I'm going to chill with her.

So I talk, tell dad said friend is coming over. As soon as my sister leaves, I get a looooooooong lecture as to the fact I'm in the wrong to inviting my friend over and this and that and that I should feel bad and blah blah blah whatever. Apparently, as I find out, mom and dad had a fight over it before I came home, hence the reason they weren't talking when I got home.

Mom feels bad and wants to leave because, she took sis and dad to a movie and now they're treating her like shit. So, after hanging out with said friend for a bit, we hang out with mom because hey, she's cool to hang out with sometimes.

Wake up, do the usual get ready for work thing, and not knowing whether or not mom's leaving tonight, I ask if she wants to go to the bus stop and hang with me for a bit, just talk. Nope, she doesn't want to walk with me cause she's not dressed. We'll ignore the fact I ended up crying at the bus stop for that one.

Come home. FIND OUT THAT MEG'S FRIEND IS SLEEPING OVER. Why does this piss me off? Because, sis is supposed to be sleeping over at said friend's house, but apparently it's over here now. If I would've done that, I would've been killed for such a thing.

Fuck you family. I hate you and I'm moving out.

lost_nobody @ 2006-08-16T05:13:00

2006-08-16T12:14:09Z

Go me. I managed to piss everyone off and get on everyone's shit lists by having this pissy mood for two days in a row.

This is not going to be a pleasant turnout.

lost_nobody @ 2006-08-13T05:54:00

2006-08-13T13:16:44Z

Loser. Liar. Failure. Pathetic. Worthless. Waste of breath. Waste of time. Use and throw away. Despicable. Faithless. Poser. Faker. Heartless. Gives too much compassion. Not enough compassion. Doesn't think. Thinks too much. Failure of society. Failure to her family. Fails at life. Fails at everything. Never worth anything. Will always be alone. Too independant. Too dependant. Too wrapped up in fantasies. Too down to earth. Too friendly. Not friendly enough. Backstabber. Too trusting. Should die. Shouldn't die. Not perfect. Never perfect enough. Never what they want. Always what they want. Fucked up in the head. Abused. Used. Disposable. Indecisive. Fatalistic. Psychotic. Manic-depressive. Bi-polar. Should be on drugs. On not enough drugs. Afraid. Not afraid enough. Just a child. Too much of an adult. Grew up too fast. Didn't grow up fast enough. Not the perfect daughter. Never able to please. Not the perfect grandaughter. Fucked up her life by leaving college. Doesn't know what she wants. What a failure. Wasted our money on her. Failure of the family. Failure among friends. Failure among strangers. Failure among society. Can't support herself. Everyone hates her. No one trusts her. Such a liar. Should've left her to fend for herself. Abandoned her. Wasted our hopes. Will never be what we wish. Will never be happy with her again. Wasted her life at 19. Will never make it up. Such a failure. Can't believe her. How could she do that to us? To us. Pathetic. Doesn't deserve to live. Better off dead. Should be dead. Disown her. Not a part of the family. Never going to be part of the family. Doesn't have a degree. Never will. Pathetic. Failure. Such a failure. So disposible.

I feel so...

2006-05-23T09:23:31Z

The worst thing in the world is when you're depressed and can't find any fucking music to go with it.

What is there to say? Well...I guess that I've finally figured out how things work out around here.

Meg is usually in her room or with her friends. And those friends my parents barely know and vice versa. She keeps out of most things and doesn't really...I dunno, have close time with my parents except when she's freaking out about failing school or some dramuh in her life that no one really cares about cause she's always just blowing it out of proportion.

Mother is always in her own little world. She doesn't seem to have much sense about the problems going on, or she does, and just doesn't show it to try and make her life all the much more better. However, mention one thing in your life that she doesn't agree with and she has a mental breakdown.

Dad plays the whole "I'm sick" card all the time. He is sick, yes, but fact of the matter is, he doesn't let anyone help him with it otherwise he loses what little ego he has left. As such, he separates himself from everyone by watching tv elsewhere all the time or sleeping a couple of days straight. Then he'll yell, take it out on everyone else, and have a good time like nothing happened afterwards.

That's what bothers me the most. Everyone acts like nothing just fucking happened...and there's usually a family time where we all sit in the living room and just watch tv together. I find that it's those times where I want to kill myself the most, cause they always find something to pick on. Usually, I'm the target, although my sis or mom have been targets as well. I just find myself the butt of most jokes nowadays, not a surprise at all. But if you isolate yourself from these situations, it makes it ten times worse.

It's horrible to be sitting there and suddenly have your dad ask "You don't want to spend time with us? Why did you come home then?"

...Does anyone here even get the fact that I don't want to be home anymore? I am miserable here. I wake up and just lay and stare at the ceiling in my bed. Why? Because if I get up, I'll find everyone asleep. Surprise fucking surprise.

I just get this feeling while I'm home that...no one really wants me here. Don't tell my mom though, she might think I'm on the path to self destruction.

...yes, she said that. And she said a lot of other things that hurt. Like, lesse, that I've changed so much in the past five months and that I'm not myself and that this is all cause of Cat and Whitney and that I'm a leader not a follower...it goes on, but I'll be kind and spare everyone from that. Not to mention, I found out the only reason my dad wants me to get credit cards, besides pretending to build my credit, is that he needs some way to pay off the $4300 he's going to need for dentist work this Wednesday.

I don't think I've ever felt more used in my life.

And to be told that because of me, the family is fucked either way? Thanks, way to make me feel real fucking special.

I...just feel like the biggest failure in the world. I find that I can't keep friends anymore. I find that I piss of those I care about the most. I find that I can't do anything to help my friends. I find that...my family really isn't a family for me anymore. I just feel as if my life really is worthless.

...Heh, can't even depend on those voices in my head anymore. They don't even know who they are. Not to mention, Hotaru...could be Sakura. I dunno, she keeps switching between the two. I dunno if it's an effect of me or if I'm just crazy altogether and need to be locked up for the rest of my life.

Heh...I think that'd be nice.

I want to die now. I think if I died now, it would solve so many problems, ne? I mean, my parents wouldn't have to worry about me going back to college. My friends wouldn't have to worry about having a failure of a friend, someone who only lets them down. And I wouldn't have to think that maybe there's something out there for me anymore. There isn't. I learned that a long while ago. I'm just fooling myself. I think differently, society doesn't like that, so time to pound me into a cubicle for the rest of my life.

...Death would be a sweet release. Mind you, suicide is not my answer. Ever. But...something. I need to stop feeling so numb. I need to stop feeling so helpless. I need to stop feeling so depressed.

...I'm tired of smiling for them as well. Just trying to make them feel as if I love it here, as if I feel accepted here.

And suddenly, it's freezing cold. But it's too bright in this house. I dun like it here. I don't want to be here...god dammit, it's not a fucking mantra. Get over your fucking self.

I can't seem to form anymore coherency from my thoughts anymore. That's apparently what happens when the frustration gets to you. Time to pretend to sleep peacefully for a couple of hours.

P.S. Thank you dad for making me feel all the much worse by fucking showing me how to fill out an application. I'm not fucking retarded, but you manage to twist that failure knife in all the more. Thanks for making my fucking day.

lost_nobody @ 2006-03-16T02:14:00

2006-03-16T09:19:22Z

There's a reason for this journal even being made. Only friends will be added via comments, otherwise, you're shit outta luck.

Don't expect this journal to ever be happy either. It's the only place I have anymore, so deal.